Patriot Dispatches

COVID-19 & The Death Of A Furtive Way Of Life

[Author’s note: This is Hermit humor and satire, plan accordingly.]

It seems to me that the greatest things in life are the ones nobody else is doing. And as history instructs, with almost no exception, every attempt to improve on the original falls terribly and embarrassingly short of the mark. Personally, I believe the biggest reason for this can best be attributed to the notion that only the original inspiration is pure and all the rest are simply self-righteous attempts to assert they can do it better. And now that COVID-19 is upon us, and the non-hermit world is being instructed to live more like Hermits, the movement is afoot – in droves – to attempt to reinvent(and ultimately destroy) the raw and pure beauty of everything it was supposed to mean to be a Hermit in the first place.

In other words, now that everyone is being instructed to socially distance themselves and be as self-sustaining as possible in order to survive the pandemic, the death of a furtive way of life will be imminent. And every bad reputation and negative stereotype we Hermits have worked hard to encourage in the hearts and minds of non-Hermits will quickly become hashtags and t-shirts and tattoos… And pretty soon after that, after the amateurs get their hands on this lifestyle and fuck it all up, it will all be over but the crying.

Sigh…

It’s a funny thing about stereotypes; for each one that hurts its target’s feelings, there is another that the target wears as a badge of honor. Having said that, I understand that this is not a universal Maxim, but it is, nonetheless, true more often than not. In the case of Hermits, such as we are, the only people that held us in high regard… before COVID-19, at least, were other Hermits. Admittedly, this is difficult to statistically prove because Hermits, by our very nature, don’t like people in general but we are far more willing to interact – as long as its’ brief – with other Hermits long before we would want to have anything to do with the rest of the human race.

And, almost universally, those who hold Hermits in the greatest disdain are the ones least likely to survive 48 hours trying to live like one.

You know the type… the social butterfly and regular attraction at overcrowded bars and restaurants, always trying too hard to fit in and make friends. Those annoying people that are hell-bent on outdoing anyone and everyone in every aspect of your life. These people simply have to have the nicest house, the fanciest car, the latest fashion trend, and the fanciest gadgets gizmos and baubles that money can buy.

Yeah… These are the people that helped create Hermits in the first place. And, for this discussion, let’s call them the over-do-ers.

The over-do-ers are coming. They’re coming with their Hermit villages. They’re coming with their Hermit family campgrounds and their Hermit theme parks. They’re coming with their Hermit t-shirts and their Hermit Subaru Outbacks and their Hermit drive-thru Banks and bars and restaurants and their Hermit Birkenstocks. And they are coming with their 142 combination – flavor Hermit coffee brews and Hermit micro beers and Hermit-scented body wash and air fresheners. And they’re coming with their Hermit Mountain Dog crossbreed.

And not too long after that, the last of the true Pioneer Hermit will be lost to the ash heap of Rewritten history… Unless, if God truly loves us, they buy all THAT shit from China too. Just sayin’

[via Hermit Chronicles]

[Images via Pinterest & Breitbart]

 

About haystack

DC born, Appalachian raised. Independent conservative. Of the opinion that the world has lost its damn fool mind, but whatever-y'all have the right to fuck your shit up any way you want as long as you leave me be to fuck up mine. Problem is, though, Progressives picked a culture War and dragged me into it. Now I'm your huckleberry.
View all posts by haystack →

1
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
1 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
1 Comment authors
vassarbushmills Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
vassarbushmills
Admin

A lot of meat to this, David. I have to think of something deep to say, too. See you on the flip side.