Friday, September 17, 2021
HomePatriot DispatchesAmericans With No Abilities Act (Spoof)

Americans With No Abilities Act (Spoof)

I got this in an email, and it has no attribution. You’ll enjoy it, still. Someone should Tweet this to China, where they’ll run it as an actual news story.  A recent update to a spoof going back to 2006.

 

For Immediate Release
Washington.

 

President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.  The Americans With No Abilities Act.  Advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition are hailing AWNAA as a major legislative goal.

 

Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer.  ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.  With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.’

 

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.  Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U. S. employer of Persons of Inability.

 

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%).

 

At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

 

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.  Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.  The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

 

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’

 

‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember ‘righty tightey, lefty loosey.’  ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Gertz added.  With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): ‘As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities.  It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing nothing.

 

Bernard Chumm
Partner, The Sands Institute, head of the fearsome Scat Patrol, and Protector of the Innocent

4 COMMENTS

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Actually, this is close to the real truth (in every joke are the seeds of truth), as we’ve seen our country deteriorate over the past several decades into layers of bureaucratic incompetence, incivility, bad attitude, lack of accountability, and general all around indifference. I also attribute this to affirmative action, social promotion in our schools, lack of discipline in schools and homes (and the fault here lies with the “do-gooders” who now control how we parent and teach, and they believe we shouldn’t risk hurting a child’s feelings), and the general all around message from the poor performers in society that we can’t do anything about them because they’re a protected class.

    A significant portion of blame can be laid on the public sector unions and affirmative action – which enables this sorry state of affairs to exist. Not going to change anytime soon.

    • Yes it is close to the truth. Life in socio-political America these days is like Alice in Wonderland. It is surreal. To the point where we had the Secretary of Agriculture, who amazingly is from Iowa, say today that rural America is becoming irrelevant. So I guess the cities can start growing their own food anytime now. Imagine the drones crashing into each other in the congested air traffic over the cities as they try to look for EPA violations by urban farmers.

  1. Actually, this is close to the real truth (in every joke are the seeds of truth), as we’ve seen our country deteriorate over the past several decades into layers of bureaucratic incompetence, incivility, bad attitude, lack of accountability, and general all around indifference. I also attribute this to affirmative action, social promotion in our schools, lack of discipline in schools and homes (and the fault here lies with the “do-gooders” who now control how we parent and teach, and they believe we shouldn’t risk hurting a child’s feelings), and the general all around message from the poor performers in society that we can’t do anything about them because they’re a protected class.

    A significant portion of blame can be laid on the public sector unions and affirmative action – which enables this sorry state of affairs to exist. Not going to change anytime soon.

    • Yes it is close to the truth. Life in socio-political America these days is like Alice in Wonderland. It is surreal. To the point where we had the Secretary of Agriculture, who amazingly is from Iowa, say today that rural America is becoming irrelevant. So I guess the cities can start growing their own food anytime now. Imagine the drones crashing into each other in the congested air traffic over the cities as they try to look for EPA violations by urban farmers.

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