THE TWO BIGGEST STORIES OF OUR LIFETIME, COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE US COMPLETE.
Well, that pretty much does it, doesn’t it? The last remaining piece of the puzzle, the thing that cements everything else together. And, mirabile dictu!, just in time for the fall election campaign! What a fortunate turn of events!
The discovery of Higg’s Bosom, or Higg’s Bosun’s mate, or whatever this thing is that is being ballyhooed all over the information superhighways and byways, is the missing link, rendering all this nonsense about Intelligent Design and any other mystical beliefs totally moot and unnecessary. The mighty, mighty scientists, who broke the human genomic code and unravelled every possible strand of DNA , who accounted for every last molecule, who only had one last bit of ‘splainin’ to do, have finally ‘splained it. Not yet made clear, of course, is whether this God In Actuality
was created appeared as a result of the Ginormous Bang, or whether it was just lurking offstage, ready to pounce on all the other particles produced by Da Bang and keep them all safely encapsulated for us to swallow at our leisure. A minor issue.
And so, similar to the famous ‘hockey stick’ anomaly on the climate change chart, the basis for settling the science and quelling the debate is provided. Oops, the hockey stick turned out to be a result of “garbage in”, didn’t it? Well, don’t worry about that.
In fact, don’t worry about much of anything, okay? The Dear Leader informed us the other day that he passed health care reform, because it was the right thing to do, (Hallelujah!) and if the Republicans would just accept that the debate is over, he could move on to even grander things. Oh, and he also informed us that he would not be rescinding it. Apparently, all we need to do prior to the November celebration of the reign of His Excellency is to obtain a “trusted Internet address” and keep our radios tuned to The Frequency for the next activation of the National Emergency Broadcast System, at which time anything else required of us will be described. Til then, file for disability at your convenience.
With this Higginblossom thing being promulgated, it is now time for all the religious fanatics out there to be told to shut up, for the science is settled. Just as the Wall of Separation deniers have been told to shut up, the Climate change skeptics have been told to shut up, the Rush Limbaugh listeners have been told to shut up, the Jeremiah Wright haters have been told to shut up, the American Exceptionalists have been told to shut up, and the health care withholders have been told to shut up, so also the God-this’ers and the God-that’ers can now be told to shut up, because the humble servants of The State, those tireless pursuers of The Ultimate Answer now have within their grasp all the knowledge necessary to be the masters of This and Every Other Universe. They now know how everything is put together and thus can recreate, modify or adapt everything at will. Someone’s idea of utopia is now only a wink and a nod away. All that is needed is just one or two final Federal Grants and Secretary of HHS rulings to seal the deal, and all glory and power will flow to The State. Imagine the possibilities.
Are you excited?