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CONTEST: The Americans With No Abilities Act

Illustration courtesey of lindseygrahamnomore.wordpress.com

I received a humorous email this morning, purporting to promote a (hopefully) fictitious piece of legislation. I say hopefully because there’s no telling what kind of stupid crap our congress-critters will decide is absolutely vital to our survival as a Nation. You know, like loans to failing green tech companies, waiting till the law is passed to find out the surprise that awaits us inside, or the Obama Administration’s endorsement of the Occupy Wall Street idiocy going on across the Nation.

I introduce you to the “The Americans With No Abilities Act”

Washington, DC November 2, 2011, – The Obama Administration is urging Congress and the Senate to pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA). President Obama says he will sign it as soon as it hits his desk.

The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

‘Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer. ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing. We are legalizing another protected class of Americans.’

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’

‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Ken Cox, who lost his position as a $70 dollars an hour lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to his inability to remember ‘righty tightie, lefty loosey.’ ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Cox added. With the passage of this bill, Cox and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): ‘As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.’

Senator Shaheen (D-NH) elaborated that “these are same rights that are currently extended to US Congressmen & Women , US Senators and the current President and Vice President.”

This struck me as the exact kind of legislation that our own, self-professed conservative Republicans could get behind, like Johnny McMaverick, Lamar Alexander, Lindsay Graham, even our spineless Senate Minority Leader Bitch McConnell, a couple of flip-flopping Presidential Candidates would waste no time jumping on this bandwagon, even if they did jump off later.

Place your own endorsement blurb in the comments section. I will then choose the winner based entirely on my own scoring system and award everlasting acclaim and honor upon the winner. There may be a prize involved but I have to find something valued as cheaply as our elected representatives souls. Perhaps a wooden UP pencil with the eraser worn off and too short to be sharpened any more with teeth marks all up and down it. You get the idea. We’ll see what I can find and to paraphrase Nancy P, you’ll have to play to find out!

Retired Paratrooper, Biker, Tattoo Artist


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