Imagine only Burgers, It’s Frightening and Sad

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I’ve been watching our current basket of Republican and conservative candidates and I am heartened by their diversity. It really looks like there is something for everyone. Imagine if our only choice was burgers. A Romney Royale with Cheese…a Huntsman Western Cheeseburger…and god forbid an Open-face McCain Melt.

Variety is spice of life…and presidential campaigns. Thank your lucky chicken-stars that we get to choose between some very qualified individuals. As for all you folks who are pink-in-the-middle and don’t like Red-meat, you might want to stay away until the general election.

Now, it’s up to us here on the right-side of the blogosphere to sort these potential executive chefs out and choose the right person for the job. It’s not easy but at least we have a large menu to choose from and substitutions are allowed.

I’d love Chef Ramsey for the job, but his propensity to yell “Piss off!!” would scare away independents…but I digress..

We need someone as Commander-in-Chef who will give substantially better customer service than our current fry-cook-in-training-pants. We need someone who’s been stored properly. We need someone who’s not afraid of the wanna-be dish washers/grease-trap inspectors that work for the state-run media.

We need someone who is not afraid of his previous deep-dish donations to feeding a hungry citizenry. Even the #occupy Wall street losers like pizza, right?

We need someone who doesn’t hide his past in the freezer where only small portions can be defrosted at a time.

We need someone honest, who can work a cash-register and keep accurate inventory.

And above all we need someone who can carry a tune. Pizza-man….he delivers.

Herman Cain at the 1991 Omaha Press Club meeting. Skip ahead to 3:40.

The lyrics:

Imagine there’s no pizza
I couldn’t if I tried
Eating only tacos
Or Kentucky Fried
Imagine only burgers
It’s frightening and sad

You’re lucky you have pizza
To feed for kids for you
Only frosting or cookies
And no dishes you must do
Imagine eating pizza
Each and every day

You may say that it’s junk food
But to me it’s so much more
It gives my life its meaning
And it makes a lot of dough

Imagine mozzarella
Anchovies on the side
And maybe, pepperoni
Rounds out your pizza pie
Imagine getting pizza
Delivered to your door

You don’t have to give up now
On my skateboard I will go
I’ll be back in 30 minutes
I just bought Dominoes

All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
Give pizza a chance!
All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
You’ve got to, got to give pizza a chance!

(h/t Slate)

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Queen Hotchibobo
Editor
October 17, 2011 2:51 pm

One thing I think you’ve got wrong: I’m pretty sure the McCain Melt is a two-faced McCain melt rather than an open-faced melt, if his association with Nicole Wallace and Meghan Supersize is any indication. You know I love Perry, and I think Cain is a great guy, but the best part of your post? You made me think of a song I learned a loooooong time ago: I know a weiney man. He owns a weiney stand. He sells most anything from hot dogs on down. Someday, I’ll change his life. I’ll be his weiney wife. Hot dog, I… Read more »