Patriot Dispatches

The Maxims of Methuselah, 1907 humor about wimmen

Being the Advice given by the Patriarch in his Nine Hundred Sixty and Ninth Year
to his Great Grandson at Shem 's Coming of Age IN REGARD TO WOMEN
THE following is, so far as I know, the only authentic rendering into
the English language of the three hundred and thirty parables
attributed to Methuselah. The authorship of these precepts was
first traced to the aged patriarch by the cabalists, after having
found by a transposition of the letters of his name the anagram,
"he who prophesied in parables." (Fabricious)
Of its origin, the book, although freely rendered into the idiom
of the hour, still bears intrinsic evidence of having been compiled
by one who had had extraordinary experience with women. The
amorous expert will not find it hard to believe that nine hundred
and sixty-nine years would be none too short a time for any
one man to have accumulated such a profound lore. Indeed, women
tell us that the present span of life is entirely too brief for
any ordinary man to obtain the slightest comprehension of the
extreme complexity of feminine psychology. Men live and die
without having acquired the rudiments of its categories.
Methuselah himself, despite his unrivalled opportunities for
investigation, could hardly have formulated so exhaustive a
hand-, or, shall we say, heart-book,
without some help from his contemporaries.
Moreover, that the author of these Maxims had what passes for
humor is plainly apparent from the jocosity of many of his verses,
and this must be reckoned with in adjudicating Methuselah's
claims to the honor. The patriarch undoubtedly had a dry wit,
as historical evidence proves.
On his five hundredth birthday, Methuselah, having lived
out-of-doors all his life, was visited by an angel, who
advised him to build himself a house.
" How much longer have I to live?" the old man inquired."
About five hundred years," replied the visitant." Oh, well,
then," said Methuselah, " I hardly think it's worth while
for me to bother myself, just for that little while."

CHAPTER 1 The Use of the Maxims 
1. THE Maxims of Methuselah the
son of Enoch : To know wisdom
and instruction concerning women;
to perceive the words of knowledge,
whereby the damsels of his choice may
be judged, 

2 To give subtilty to the simple, to
the young man knowledge and discretion
in his loves. 

3 The fear of women is the beginning
of knowledge ; but fools despise
experience and instruction. 

An Exhortation to Subtlety

4 My son, hear the instruction of
thy great-grandfather, and forsake not
the law of those who walk safely nor
are distracted by womens ways- 

5 So that thou mayest regard discretion,
and that thy lips shall win praise of women.
For the joys of thy life shall be many. 

6 Where thou goest she will gladly receive thee;
and when thou flirtest thou shalt not stumble. 

7 For the days of my life are nine
hundred, sixty and nine years, and I have |
known much women. 

To Avoid Trouble

8 l counsel thee, introduce not female
contemporaries one to another; verily,
keep thy loves apart, for their wrath kin-
dleth and bitter words arise when thy
doings are made plain. 

9 For to a woman all women are enemies;
yet men are allies, one with another. 

10 Make no manner of personal remark to a woman,
 unless, peradventure, thou wishest to hear it
 misquoted in thine ear for seventy and seven years withal. 

Her Attire.... 

11. Forget in no wise to speak to her new raiment;
 but remember also her attire of yore, when thous first
met her  

And Loves

12 Tell not thy previous loves to a
woman, lest she also telleth thee hers. 

13 See that thou givest a maiden her
way; gainsay her in nothing. Howbeit,
if thou robbest the victory of all material
advantage, the glory will content her.

The Use of Secrets

14 Wouldst thou become acquainted
with a damsel? See that thou havest
a secret with her straightway. 

15 That when she seeth thy photograph
she may smile and think untellable

End of Chapter 1

Citizen With Bark On

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Eternal wisdom, and modern men navigating the waters of the Feminine Mystique must be forever heedful and grateful.


Yeah those old farts thought they knew everything back then.

Though he was wise in the recommendation to his great-grandson in not answering the obvious question of “Does this dress make my butt look big?”

Ah sweet mysteries of life…
*cue the music from Young Frankenstein*


There’s a poem in there some where, but I digress.

Betty just couldn’t stand being in her own skin and decided to take it out on everyone else.